Melanie hated Bob with a passion, even though her main objective was to win over Bob’s love. She never knew she was being emotionally abused and as a result, she began to slowly dislike her life too! For Melanie these days, the only love and comfort seemed to come from her Labrador retriever, the only one she felt really cared about her anymore. She felt so insignificant. The high self-esteem she once had, was replaced with feelings of failure, worthlessness and hopelessness. She spent so much time trying to figure out what was wrong with her and how she could always mess things up and ruin everyone’s life so easily.
Melanie, walked on eggshells daily, wondering what else Bob, her partner of 6 years, was going to find wrong with her. She felt like she was never good at anything and everything that went wrong was always her fault, at least that’s what Bob would tell her. The harder she tried to make him happy, the more he would criticize and put her down. “What’s wrong, can’t you take a joke,” Bob said one day when he called her “borderline obese.” One time, on her day off, she tried to use the lawnmower to surprise Bob with a freshly mowed lawn when he got home. But, she couldn’t get the mower started. When she told him, he replied “Even an idiot could do this.” She would try a new recipe and he would give it to the dog after taking one bite, all the while laughing.
He would constantly remind her of the times she messed up or when she didn’t make the right choices or decisions, the ones he thought were the right ones. He always criticized the way she dressed, the way she cooked, the friends she had, her side of the family and the list goes on.
As a form of disapproval, Bob would often withdraw his love from her. Or would try to manipulate her or intimidate her into doing the things he wanted her to do, playing on her low self-esteem. As a result Melanie felt deprived of love and even though she hated Bob on the surface, she would do whatever it took to get love and approval from him.
When I first met with Melanie, she wanted to strategize ways to win back Bob’s love. Melanie however, had no idea she was a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. By the end of our first session Melanie, a very smart intelligent woman, opened her eyes to a world she never thought she would be a part of.
You see, emotional abuse is disguised, it’s not obvious, there are not physical bruises or marks. The victims don’t even see it coming as it destroys them over time, piece by piece. The criticism, belittling, insults and accusations thrown your way whittle away at your self- esteem, like you were a piece of wood the abuser was carving. The self-worth you once had, has been replaced with self-doubt. If we doubt ourselves and have low self-esteem, we cling to the one abusing us, because we need to be loved, making it much easier for them to control us! It’s a vicious and ugly cycle that needs to be stopped. Keep in mind, emotional abuse is not limited to partner/spouse relationships, it happens in our relationships with parents, co-workers, kids and friends as well.
The first step is to RECOGNIZE you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. The good news is…you do not have to live your life this way…there are things you can do about it…you have a choice! You deserve to be treated with love and respect!
Are you wondering if YOU are in an emotionally abusive relationship?
Have you been in a relationship with someone who was abusing you emotionally? I would love to have you share your story with us!
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