Troubled relationships are a big target for affairs! Looking to the outside world to numb pain caused in a relationship, feelings of loneliness and isolation, a desperate need to feel loved and valued, a need for revenge or to get even…all valid reasons why our troubled relationships become targets for affairs!
In the previous post about Kendra and Kurt…its easy to see how a damaged relationship can spiral downwards out of control fast and totally sets the stage for an affair!
After realizing what was happening to her relationship with Kurt, Kendra could see how her marriage had become vulnerable and easy prey for an affair…on both their parts! Before we could even begin to work on affair proofing Kendra’s marriage, there were several other issues needing to be addressed first!
During our RESCUE step, Kendra realized the first issue in need of immediate attention, was “Forgiveness.” She had never really forgiven Kurt for his porn addiction, even though she told Kurt she had.
Kendra’s behaviors had bitterness and resentment written all over them! It was causing both Kendra and Kurt heartache and as a result, they began to pull even further apart.
She realized her alcohol abuse and trash talking was a temporary fix and a way to get even with Kurt….but it wasn’t productive…punishing him was not making the relationship any better and was certainly not making Kendra’s life any happier!
Throughout the process, Kendra started to change the way she looked at Kurt’s actions. How did she do this? By focusing on his current behaviors and the changes he had made, instead, of on his past actions and the porn addiction. She could start to feel the load she was carrying around become lighter as she tried to shift her way of looking at Kurt.
Kendra realized, even though Kurt committed the crime against her, Kendra’s choices, also played a part in why their marriage was quickly sinking.
In time, Kendra replaced her feeling of hatred and fear with feelings of appreciation and gratitude for having a husband who did the following:
- took responsibility for his behaviors
- asked for her forgiveness
- made the necessary changes to overcome his addiction
- tried hard to win back her trust
- worked on his own issues to become a much stronger husband.
Deep down inside she also felt Kirk was willing to wait… for her to heal from her bitterness and resentment.
In time, Kendra was able to work through the pain, agony and devastation and the big blow to her ego, the porn addiction had left her with. She also worked on her value as a person and wife and her own self-esteem. Eventually, she came to a point where she could genuinely forgive Kurt for his deception. Once and for all, she was able to let it go as a gift she would give herself. Only then would it allow her to think about the present and future she had with Kurt… only this time with boundaries in place.
Forgiveness was the first step to healing this damaged marriage, and along with it came a lot of boundary work with Kurt, to ensure Kendra the Porn would not be a part of their marriage going forward.
Only when these major issues had been addressed with Kurt and Kendra, could we effectively begin working on strategies to affair proof their struggling relationship for the future!
Kendra is not alone! If you are struggling in your marriage or in a romantic relationship, no matter what the issues are I would love to hear your story! We can all learn from others who have been there!
Check out my next blog post on 8 steps to affair proofing your relationship, while you are trying to get back on track!
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