Rebuilding Trust with Your Spouse After You’ve had an Affair – 6 Keys to Rebuilding Trust

“I lost the trust of my husband the day I told him about the affair, Marita said, in our first session together. “Lying, deception and sneaking were all a part of it.” “It devastated my entire family, but I could no longer carry around the guilt” she shared. “I told him how sorry I was and would do anything for his forgiveness, but it has NOT happened.”   “Then, I told him I would “never” do something like this again” she explained and he said “those are meaningless, empty words.” “ I want a second chance and I don’t know how to earn his trust back” she said, with desperation in her voice.

When trust is lost in a relationship, though affairs, lying, deception and deceit, it can be one of the hardest things to rebuild again! But, I CAN TELL YOU, THERE IS HOPE… IT IS POSSIBLE!

I read a captivating article the other day and the author nailed it when talking about how to get trust back in your relationships!  (http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/rebuilding_trust_with_husband.htm )  You see, trust is something your earn because of your “ proven behavior” over a period of time. That’s right you have to prove yourself to your spouse before they can even begin to trust you again. Trust is not earned overnight, and for some, it can actually take a very long time to earn trust back.   Here is the simple equation: proven behavior + time = earning trust back.

Here are 6 keys to rebuilding trust and establishing your proven behavior over time…

1. The first proven behavior is to break all ties with the 3rd party. Have no contact at all with this person. Change jobs if necessary. Let your husband be on the other end of the line when you tell the other person, you never want to hear from or speak to them again, that you are 100% committed to your marriage” or relationships.
2. Do whatever you can to show your husband, your love through your actions. Let your husband know that you are 100% committed to this marriage and that you will do whatever it takes, to prove that to him. Ask your husband what he would like, what you can do to win back his trust again, and do anything he identifies.
3. Be totally accountable to your husband. Let him read your cell phone bills, credit card bills, call you whenever he wants. You have to realize part of the consequences to lying is giving up your right to privacy for a time, until trust is restored.” (But it won’t always be like this, things will settle down when trust is earned back)
4. Be willing to answer any questions your husband has about the affair. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LESSEN THE BLOW BY WITHOLDING INFORMATION. Withholding information will destroy any hope of rebuilding trust. The truth always comes out in time … and then you have to give an account for lying after you promised not to lie anymore. Very rarely can trust be rebuilt when this is the case.
5. Take the time to discover why the affair happened. Then we both made the changes necessary both in ourselves and in our marriage to ensure it doesn’t happen again .This was the most significant trust-building key. I doubt very seriously I could trust again if we hadn’t together discovered why it happened in the first place and then made the necessary changes.
6. Last you need to be patient with your husband as he works through the devastating emotions. My husband likened this period to the endurance required to run a marathon.”

These are all excellent building blocks to earning trust back! I think it’s essential and very healthy when couples spend time trying to discover why the affair, the lies, the deceit happened in the first place. It doesn’t make it right by any means, It’s just the best way to prevent it from happening again! When you take the time to dig deeper into the root cause then make the necessary changes you are not just putting a band aid on the injury, but, you will be making meaningful and lasting changes in the marriage that will benefit both spouses!

Here’s the Rainbow when it comes to rebuilding trust! Your relationship has so much potential to heal, even if your spouse tells you he/she is done and wants out. Give them the space and time they need to heal, remember they are the one who got hurt. This too, will give you the time to make the necessary changes and the time to show them these changes through your actions.

If you, or someone you know, is trying to rebuild trust again in a relationship, please pass this post on …hope is waiting…if you do something about it!!

How have you rebuilt trust in a relationship? What worked, what didn’t work?