KELLY was miserable in her 10 year marriage to an alcoholic. Although, never physically violent, her husband Jeff found great satisfaction in his constant criticism and belittling, when it came to Kelly and their 2 kids. Kelly’s self- esteem started to plummet over the years… and she started to withdraw from all the things she used to love, like time with friends, her horses, helping at the kid’s schools, cooking and entertaining. For the first 5 years she seemed to be doing ok because she had others in her life building her back up when Jeff chiseled away at her self-esteem. In time Kelly’s hurt turned to anger and her negative outlook on life , along with her hatred for men, consumed her every thought. The chip on her shoulder pushed everyone away from her. Eventually, she left Jeff, taking the kids with her. She wanted a fresh start… only this new start would include a shared parenting planned, one she disliked in every way.
A year after the divorce, Kelly continued to stay in the “victim roll” harboring bitterness and resentment. She felt the world owed her, for the many years of misery she had to endure. She became judgmental, critical and would constantly bash men about their insensitivity, to anyone who would listen to her. When she tried to reach back out, to the friends she had pushed away with her negative demeanor, she found they really didn’t want to get together anymore. When she thought about dating again…nobody was good enough for her. Her life stunk, she was miserable…and she didn’t know why!
MANDY lived on a merry go round in her 10 year marriage to Colton. Every single night was unpredictable and usually disappointing. She never knew what kind of husband she would have for the evening. Would he come home from work late, a full blown raging alcoholic, hurling hurtful words and beating her down emotionally as she tried to protect her kids from his abuse? OR, would he be a little puppy dog, sweet and cuddly and pass out for the night? Five out of seven nights he was the raging alcoholic, doing everything he could to whittle away at Mandy ‘s self-esteem.
Mandy‘s escape was her little part time job at the local corner Starbucks, something she did for herself for some extra spending money while the kids were in school. She loved her customers and they loved her! Throughout the marriage turmoil, Mandy purposely kept from isolating herself and managed to stay connected, surrounding herself with positive supportive people because she knew “people” is what she needed. Mandy had a small group of very close friends she could confide in and trusted when it came to her marriage issues. She made sure she never bashed her husband, only stating the facts when they asked her about him and they would give her just the right amount of support. Mandy was generally, a happy gir with a positive outlook on life, in spite of her troubled marriage and people were drawn to her.
One day, after many attempts to make the marriage work, she realized sobriety may not be in the cards for her husband. Mandy, knowing she had given it her all in the marriage to no avail, decided it was time to leave. So, she packed up her belongings, her kids and the $1647 she had in her bank account…and went to stay with one of the many friends, who invited her to stay in their home, until she got her feet on the ground.
During her time of recovery, Mandy was never a downer and placed her burdens on other people…as a result…friends were happy to be around her because she gave off positive energy in spite of her circumstances. Mandy was not bitter, but had a grateful heart for all the lessons in life she learned while married to an alcoholic. She was not about to let her circumstances rob her of the joys in life and she didn’t feel the world owed her anything…it had already given to her in a big way! She also knew if it were not for Jim, she would never have had her two amazing kids! She had full confidence she would get back on her feet again, even without Jim’s help.
These two amazing women, have such different stories to tell about their lives. The difference, is how they were taught or programmed to approach their circumstances, one through a negative lens and the other through a positive lens. In time Kelly was able to put on a new pair of glasses, a pair that would allow her to see the world through a positive lens which made a miraculous difference in her life and in her search for happiness.
In time she was able to develop friendships with men, then, more intimate relationships with them. She saw the world as a giver of lessons and gifts, instead of a world that owed her something. When faced with difficult situations, are you more like KELLY or MANDY!
YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE! WHAT LENS DO YOU SEE YOUR LIFE THROUGH? I would love to hear your story!
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