LOVE IS ALL ABOUT YOU- NOT ME…LOVE IS ABOUT MAKING YOU HAPPY…NOT ME…LOVE IS PUTTING UP WITH YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIORS…LOVE IS ABOUT TAKING CARE OF YOU AND YOUR NEEDS! ISN’T THAT WHAT REAL LOVE IS?
This is the definition of LOVE for many people who grew up in homes where co-dependency was a part of everyday life. They heard it, they saw it and they lived it, so much so, it followed them into their adult relationships!
I read a captivating article yesterday about people being predisposed to co-dependency at an early age, because helping, sacrificing and putting up with unhealthy behaviors was how LOVE was defined in their family. LOVE meant sacrificing to a point where you put the other person’s needs above your own…because they are more important! It was learned in childhood and never unlearned in adulthood!
Their whole definition of love is co-dependent before they even start. “Most people who didn’t grow up in a co-dependent atmosphere aren’t going to put up with it for too long. The ones who start with the impression that love is sacrificing for my partner and putting up with whatever my partner wants to dish out are the ones who get deeply stuck in it.”
Do you know if you are in a codependent relationship? Have you or someone you love carried the “codependency definition of love” into your adult relationships? According to Tessina, there are 3 key questions to ask, to help you identify if you are in a co-dependent relationship:
3 KEY QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU DECIDE IF YOU ARE IN A CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP
- Is this relationship more important to me than I am?”
“Love does have a selfless element through which you want to make your partner happy. You may say to yourself “I’m willing to give a lot for him because I love him.” But you also need to say, “I shouldn’t be destroying myself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong”
- What price am I paying for being with this person?
“ Someone with an anxiety disorder may only realize it when she sees what it costs. Similarly, it can be helpful to jot down a list of things you’re giving up to be in your relationship. “If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that’s not generally healthy.”
- Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship?
“If your tennis partner is too distracted or not interested in hitting the ball back to you, the game isn’t going to be much fun. The same is true for a couple when only one person is putting forth any effort”
All of these are really good questions to ask when you are trying to figure out if codependency is an issue. However, I think there are four other questions you may want to ask yourself:
- What need is this person meeting in my life right now? Understanding your needs and the ways you are meeting those needs may help you see how unhealthy codependency is.
- Do you have a hard time setting boundaries and saying “No” in your relationship?
- Are you giving and giving and giving so that the other person cannot do for himself/herself?
- Are you doing it for them or because you want them to love you?
Co-dependency means you have become attached or overly involved in taking care of someone else’s needs above your own. Not only can this be learned in childhood, but can be learned in adult relationships as well! You can break the cycle of dysfunctional behaviors if you choose to! The first step in trying to break the co-dependency cycle is to evaluate and determine if you are actually IN a codependent relationship. So, take the plunge and evaluate your relationships, identify any codependent tendencies and get ready to make some meaningful and lasting changes in your relationship and your life!
Are you currently being affected by codependency in your relationships? What are you doing to stop it?
Here are “8 Steps to Breaking the Co-Dependency Cycle.”
Read “Kristen’s Story about Co-Dependency” to get a first hand view of what it means to be co-dependent.
Read more about “Who is Responsible for Happiness.“
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