“Approval” can be like a DRUG! If embraced, it becomes something we just can’t live without! In time it determines our self-worth and eventually controls our behavior and how we live our lives!
At some point, we learned, in order to feel good about ourselves we needed “Approval” from other people. Because of a deficit somewhere along the way, perhaps in childhood or a current dysfunctional relationship, we felt unaccepted and empty. Someone gave us the approval we unknowingly were looking for and when we got it…WOW…IT FELT SO GOOD… I MEAN ON TOP OF THE WORLD GOOD! It was like candy and we were going to get it any way we could!
So once we had the “on top of a mountain high,” we set out on a path, searching everywhere for the feeling because we just had to have it again and again! We developed strategic techniques for hunting it down and coping mechanisms when we couldn’t find it anywhere. We didn’t know it, but all along we were setting ourselves up to be “addicts,” addicted to the need for approval and acceptance! Eventually the only way we could feel good about ourselves was when we won someone’s approval.
“Approval addiction” is exhausting! We work so hard to win people over, we work hard to feel accepted and loved, we work hard to boost our self-confidence… and for what…to let someone else tell us how we should live our lives? We join groups, committees, organizations. Then we focus on the one person who’s approval we do not have, then, work, work, work…so they will love and accept us. We spend our lives trying to be who other people say we should be…and if we don’t, we tell ourselves, we are not worthy of being loved.
Hey don’t get me wrong we all need some “kudos” some “atta girls” and a few pats on the back. We all want a little appreciation and acceptance in life and we all want to feel loved and wanted. But when winning someone’s approval makes or breaks how you feel about yourself, it becomes an addiction! We just have to have it because we depend on it for our self-worth!
The vicious cycle never ends, a little approval leads to a lot of approval, which leads to a bottomless pit of approval. Do you see how this works? We spend a lifetime trying to please other people for the mere exchange of their acceptance (which is not dependable) and we exhaust ourselves along the way!
If you find yourself stuck in the never ending “approval seeking, people pleasing” rat race… there is good news! YOU CAN GET OUT! To get started take a look at these four tips:
- You know yourself better than anyone else! You are the one who has the true ability to define who you are. Answer the question “Who am I?” I know that sounds a bit funny but many times we really can’t answer the question! If you don’t know, it’s time for some self-discovery. Defining yourself is a privilege; don’t give it away for someone else to decide!
- Who’s approval do YOU really need? Is it your approval, your spouse’s, kid’s, friends, your mother-in-law’s approval? Then ask yourself “why?” Your self-worth should not come from other people’s opinions or whether they approve of you or not! The exception being God’s approval…that’s a good one to have!
- Don’t give other people the pleasure of telling you who and what you should be. People are wishy-washy, fickle, always changing and never seem to be satisfied… no matter how hard you try to gain their approval!
- If we constantly have to prove ourselves to other people, partners, spouses, kids, co-workers etc…we will never ever be content in life! We will be exhausted from continually trying to win their approval. “People pleasing” never ends! Describe in detail, what it would look like to “be content in who you are” then write it down and tuck it away!
PLEASE REMEMBER:
Any time you are trying to set yourself free from addition… there may be a little pain associated with the “approval withdrawal.” However, this pain is waking you up to a newly found freedom which comes when you no longer place your value and self-worth in the hands of others’!
You get to choose who and what defines you, and that is a choice I would not want to trade away! Consider it one of your treasured gifts in life!
Are you stuck in the “people pleasing rat race?” I would love to hear your story!!!
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