WARNING: This blog post is about loving and losing someone I was very close to and may bring some emotions to the surface if you have lost someone you love too. It’s also about being “stuck” in a place I didn’t want to be. This is my story!
Life does throw us curve balls and sometimes they hit hard, really hard, way too hard! Four of us sat around the big oval cherry wood table, when the doctor entered the room. He talked for 45 minutes in a language we could not decipher. After 3 months of testing, 3 biopsies and a lot of stress we continued to sit there not knowing whether my mom had cancer or not. If they did know something, they were saying. They thought it could “possibly” be cancer…but to us, “possibly” translated into “possibly not! We tried to keep a very positive attitude, but it had been three months now, and we were getting worn down from the unknowns.
The doctor was unclear and seemed to be evasive and tip toeing around, doing some kind of dance we could not interpret. He didn’t seem all that confident and we looked at each other, wondering if he knew what he was doing, or did he know something we didn’t know. I was tired of this song and dance and I wanted answers I could understand. So, finally, I interrupted and directly said … “I have no clue what you are talking about, does my mom have cancer not?” I was so unprepared for the answer and the bottom of my world fell out that day when the doctor said “Yes, your mom has cancer, and we don’t know what kind it is, we can’t figure it out and it has spread throughout her body. “We need you to go see someone who specializes in unknown primary cancers,” he followed up with.” “What, what, what”…is all I could say, trying to hold back the shock rushing through my veins. If I were not sitting down I would have been brought to my knees. “How could this be happening, she’s my best friend, she feels totally fine, she’s not sick, you guys have had 3 months to figure this out and now you have let it grow and spread. Of course we want a second opinion” I protested with devastation? I fought back the tears the best I could and knew I had to buck up, pull it together, be positive, hopeful and tough. I needed to show courage and hope, not the fear that was racing all throughout my limp body. My dad looked pale, and my mom said “I knew it, I knew something was wrong.” Yes mom, something was very wrong, I thought under my breath. Then it came…”How long” my mom said. He said “Maybe a year if you are lucky.” We slouched down in our seats and the life was sucked out of the very room.
The numbness and shock we all felt as we left the room holding on to each other managed to help us get through a very quiet, subdued lunch. I was trying so hard to be the positive, hopeful, courageous, stronger, the one they could lean on. We had to cling to hope after all, how could he tell us she had a year left, when they didn’t even know what kind of cancer it was. We just had to cling to the hope, it was better than he tried to blindly diagnose. The next doctor would be the real professional and we would get answers and reassurance from him. I was sure.
The strength I felt that day, which was pure adrenaline and a need to stay up, did not last as long as I had hoped it would, but long enough to allow me to somehow show up for my scheduled hair appointment only 2 hours after the diagnosis. But, little did I know at the time, it wasn’t the strength that was keeping me propelling forward. I was in shock and was numb and busying myself so I didn’t have a chance to face what could be my reality. When I stood in line to pay, the lady in front of me was taking forever and my body stopped going 100 miles per hour. It slowed down and started to think, to process and replay the days event over and over in my head… REALITY broadsided me and I began to FEEL in a big way! The dam within me decided to burst wide open…yes…right there in line at the salon, I began to sob like a little baby! They pulled me aside, I guess so the other customers wouldn’t think I didn’t like my haircut or something and said they would bill me later…I think! Little details like paying were trivial to me as I walked outside in my robe, not thinking or caring, as the stylists ran after me.
The diagnosis hit me hard…it hit us all hard and I could feel myself heading south, quickly…it was so hard even thinking about the future and what “could” possibly” happen. There was anger, sadness, fear and all the emotions associated with the reality someone you love may not make it. I was lacking the hope I am so very used to having with me all the time, and I had no idea where to find it. The hours turned into days and the days turned into weeks. I couldn’t sleep at night, couldn’t eat, and life and everything around me just seem to stop. And I’m a coach…I know this is NOT the way to deal with my situation…but when you are right in the middle of it, it’s hard to see clearly!
Finally, after 2 weeks of being miserable on the inside and trying to be positive to everyone on the outside… I woke up and realized what was happening! I had let the diagnosis consume me, all of me, right down to the very core and most important, this was not helping my precious mom and dear, sweet dad in any way. I allowed the thief to sneak in and rob me of precious time and life that needed to be lived with purpose, intention, joy, and most of all HOPE… and filled with lots and lots of love and TLC!
There is a name for the place I had found myself in. It is called “being stuck.” It can happen to anyone at any time and for any reason. You get “stuck” in a place you don’t want to be and you are trying to find a way out! Sometimes you can and other times it is really, really hard. We can get stuck in every area and facet of our lives, its so easy to. If I was going to be there for both my mom and dad, and give mom the best care ever and the unconditional love she was so deserving of… I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO GET “UNSTUCK” AND I HAD TO DO IT FAST!
Have you ever been in a place you don’t want to be? Maybe you are stuck trying to work through a breakup, maybe you have struggling with the lost someone you love. Or, maybe you are “stuck” in life and are looking for something more? In my next post I will share with you the tools and strategies I used to get “Unstuck!” from my situation!
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