If you Have Had an Affair

These may be some of the hardest words you have ever had to say “Yes ___, I had an affair.” You watch as your husband slowly crumples up into a ball on the floor, limp and lifeless, in shock and disbelief. Then, “deadly silence” or the “How could you” and name calling start coming in like darts, followed by the flying glass and door slamming! Either way, it’s an ugly scene and you wish you could undo everything you have done…but you can’t.

You never wanted this to happen to your 5,10 or maybe even 20 year relationship with him. You never meant for the affair to go this far. Having ended the affair for good, you find yourself floundering, not knowing how you will ever forgive yourself. You don’t even know if your spouse will forgive you. The kids, what will they say? Your friends…you just want it to go away, but you can’t erase what has already happened.

We make mistakes and this is most likely one of biggies! When it comes to affairs, whether physical or affairs of the heart, you are the one that has broken the trust and you must be the one to do something about it. For those of you who want to take action, there are steps you can start working on right away.

If you find yourself floundering and don’t know what to do, I read an interesting and informative article with some helpful steps to take to put you in forward motion http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16

1. Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.
2. It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship, to one you’ve been in for years, where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
3. In order to resolve your relationship, contact with “the other person” must be cut off 100 percent. You can’t work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you’re still having it.
4. Don’t rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.
5. Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free your partner, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn’t work.
6. Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?
7. Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
8. Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It’ll require you being where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again.
9. Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn’t do it with your spouse standing there, it’s cheating.
10. Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.

Great steps to take but step #5 seems to be a little over the top!. You are not the one getting to make the hard decisions, it’s a marriage, so it’s a joint decision. It’s very hard to bale from a 10 or 20 year marriage without putting any effort into repairing it! Try to make it work before making the big decision together!

Also, one of the more necessary steps was not even mentioned… the “forgiveness” factor! Asking for forgiveness should come in right after owning your mistake! But, remember forgiveness is a process, and it will take time, IF, they decide to forgive you! (Check out my blog post on ”How to ask for forgiveness”) Asking your spouse to forgive you and trying to find a way to forgive yourself will help you both work through the mistake that was made. Own and take responsibility for your actions, ask for forgiveness and cut off ALL contact with the other person. Then put all your time and effort into doing whatever it takes to help your spouse through the devastation, knowing it will be harder for them than it is for you! You must do the work to make the changes necessary, so this well never happen to your marriage again! The efforts will be well worth it!

Check out my blog post on The 8 Steps to Affair Proofing Your Marriage for ways to help you prevent this from happening in the future.