She was miserable every single day of the week and had been for several years. Crying herself to sleep had slowly become the norm. One evening, Kristen, a 38 year old mother of two, found herself curled up in fetal position on the shower floor, hopelessly sobbing once again. She found it to be the easiest way to cope with the overwhelming emptiness and exhaustion she was facing these days.
Kristen was crumbling inside after years of neglect, loneliness, lies, and denial. Her 15 year marriage to a workaholic was getting the best of her and the more effort she put into her marriage, the more hours Tom worked. Night after night, after a long day at work, she would prepare a nice dinner for him, and night after night, it would get covered and put in the frig. Sometimes she would go a couple days without seeing him, which was strange because his law firm was 4 miles from home.
For years, Kristen told herself things would get better when…he was hired permanently by the firm, when he had a full load of clients or when he made partner. But, things never did change, ever! She continued to make excuses why he didn’t show up to the kid’s games, recitals, birthday parties and even made excuses for him, to herself. When the neighbors would ask about him, she would always make something up as to his whereabouts. She worked so hard at making sure the kids were taken care of, house clean, meals prepared and managed to continue her full time job on top of it all.
The excuses continued and over time her self-esteem started to take a nose dive as she questioned her ability to be a wife and her value and significance in life.
When Kristen tried to talk with Tim about cutting his hours back just a little, so he doesn’t miss out on the kids, he would become outraged and tell her he was working so hard to provide and give them everything they needed. He would say to her over and over “Why can’t you appreciate how hard I work for this family?” Each time she tried to talk to him about spending more time with her, he would become angry, telling her she was ungrateful, and remind her one by one, all the things he had given her because of the job. She would feel guilty and decide to never bring it up again…until the next time.
She thought to herself, if she could just try harder to make him happy when he was at home, then he would want to be home more. Her life was about making sure Tim was happy, because then, maybe, she would find happiness!
As their 15th wedding anniversary approached, she was certain their weekend getaway to go wine tasting in Napa Valley would bring them back together. It had been 6 years since their last weekend getaway and she was filled with anticipation and excitement, once again, thinking this was just the thing they needed! Kristen was exhausted from life and was in desperate need of a break, even if it was only for a weekend! She had arranged every last detail of the trip, the flight, hotel, the wine tasting tours, the rides to and from the airport and the reservations for their anniversary dinner.
The anticipated day came, and she was to meet Tim at the gate since he had a late meeting he couldn’t reschedule. But, Kristen’s jubilation quickly turned to disappointment, once again, when Tim never made it to the airport to catch their flight. The guy never even picked up his phone when she tried calling to see where he was. She was furious and she had every right to be! She retrieved her carry on and started walking to get a cab, feeling like happiness was only a dream, a dream that would never be real.
During her cab ride home, all she could think about was how she was going tell her mom and dad she didn’t need them to stay with the kids anymore. She knew they would be furious with Tim for letting their daughter down again, so the excuse wheel started spinning in her head. She had the cab stop by Tim’s office to make sure he was alright, which he always was. Tim of course was sitting there in his chair looking overwhelmed and swamped, his usual appearance. He was very apologetic and said how sorry he was and got out of his chair and gave her a big hug. Then came the usual response…one she had heard over and over again… “I will make it up to you…I promise!” Kristen knew exactly what that meant; flowers delivered tomorrow and she knew it would be a huge bouquet that his admin assistant would order with an apology card his admin would fill out for him at the florist. No 15th anniversary trip, just like the 10 year that never happened! There was no argument between the two, no debate, no discussion, no feelings of hurt or frustration mentioned.
And this is the “disappointment dance” they would do, time after time, year after year!
Why did Kristen do the disappointment dance for so long? Read more about Kristen in my next blog post and why she danced this way.
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