…WAS KRISTEN RESPONSIBLE FOR TIM’S HAPPINESS?
When I talked with Kristen she was in a state of exhaustion and desperation! She said her whole life was one big flop because she felt like she couldn’t do anything right. She was constantly trying to make Tim happy and it wasn’t working. She was tired of it and wanted her life back. She didn’t feel like she even knew who she was anymore. In fact, she told me she didn’t know how she felt other than numb and disappointed in herself. She had idea what her needs in life were either.
She had given up a life with friends, as well as past interests and hobbies because it was too much work and took too much time and effort to attempt to insure Tim’s happiness! Making time for her own friends or her own hobbies was nowhere on her radar… but Tim’s happiness was!
I asked Kristen some very important questions…
“Everything was all pre-arranged and planned to the last detail, the kids were taken care of, the hotel was non-refundable with such a late cancellation and you said you were in desperate need for a little break, right” I asked? Do you think this could have been an opportunity for a much needed break you were looking for” I asked again? “Could Tim have taken a later flight if he really wanted to celebrate this monumental Anniversary with you…or would it have been possible for you to have called a friend or relative who has frequent flyer miles to go at the last minute, then catch a later flight…that night?” “Or, better yet, did you give any thought to actually going on the trip by yourself since the hotel room could not be rescheduled… to give yourself a little gift of peace and relaxation?”
Her answer, “As badly as I wanted to go (and yes I did think about those things because I have 2 friends who live in Nappa and I had plans to see them) I could never go without Tim…It wouldn’t make Tim happy, if I went. Forfeiting our trip would make him happier than if I went down to see my friends without him,” she sadly explained to me.
This was the true emergence of a co-dependent! Kristen placed Tim’s happiness above her own happiness!
Then I asked her another very important question, “Kristen, who is responsible for Tim’s happiness?” “Well, I guess am” she said, “I am his wife and am responsible for our life and happiness at home, we made that agreement years ago” she tried to explain.” It’s me…all the way” she reluctantly said.
“Kristen, who is responsible for your happiness” I asked her? Well of course its, me…I am responsible for my happiness, she clearly said.
Kristen’s co-dependency was a coping mechanism she formed over time because of being in dysfunctional relationship with a workaholic. In her quest to find Tim’s happiness, she lost her own.
You see, that’s where the confusion is found. While there are things at home Kristen was responsible for, Tim’s happiness was not one of them. Tim was responsible for his own happiness. Instead of trying to find her own happiness by continuing with or rediscovering her hobbies, interests and friendships, somewhere along the lines, she thought her happiness would be found in Tim’s happiness. If Tim was happy, then she would be happy.
When a co-dependent values the other person’s happiness and well-being above their own, and feel they can only be happy if and when this other person is happy, they lose the freedom to be who they are meant to be and set the relationship up for future challenges.
You are the one responsible for your happiness…and you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness…they are!
We all love it when our spouses and significant others are happy…that’s true! Should we stop doing nice things that bring joy to them…of course not, that’s part of being in a healthy relationship!
But if your happiness depends on someone else being happy…it becomes a co-dependency issue.
And here is something else you need to know about co-dependency. If we become co-dependent, many times we are unable to be upfront about our own needs, because we learned a more indirect way may be more effective. Or, we learn to manipulate someone into doing something because to be direct with them brings fear as in Kristen’s case. She couldn’t talk openly with Tim because she couldn’t deal with his anger. It was easier for her to work at the things she thought would make him happy then to be upfront and set some boundaries around the marriage, one, being time for the two of them… which in time, she was able to do.
If any of this sounds familiar, and you are wondering if you or someone you know may fall into the behaviors of a co-dependent, ask yourself these four questions:
- Are you so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs, you neglect your own needs?
- Do you depend on other people to make you happy?
- Do you value someone else’s opinion more than your own?
- Are you direct and honest about asking for what you need, or, are you often unsure of how you are feeling and what your needs are?
If you answered yes to these questions, co-dependency may be contributing to challenges in your relationship.
Learn How To Break the Co-Dependency Cycle in my next blog post!
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