If it happened again, Adele swore she would not answer the door! All she wanted was a little peace. A night at home to catch up on her favorite TV shows and reading, was all she needed. She can’t remember the last time she had one of those precious nights. Every time she told Keith about her free night, he would show up on her doorstep with a bottle of wine, ice cream or take out and invite himself in…which basically meant he was hanging out for the evening. Each time he came by she opened the door and let him in and he would camp there for hours and they would watch his TV shows, and now she was getting ticked off.
This went on for months and she was getting tired of it even though she really did like Keith. The last time he knocked on the door she thought she would try something new! Instead of looking excited to see him, she opened it and said, “Oh I was not expecting you Keith, I was going to do some reading tonight.” Keith immediately responded, “No problem, I’ll just come in for a minute,” he said with a very disappointed voice. Keith stayed for hours, once again, and she said nothing.
Adele was afraid to say anything to Keith for fear he would break up with her. After all, when she needed space with her previous boyfriend and asked for it, he didn’t take it well and ended up breaking up with her. It devastated Adele and she did not wanted to relive that feeling and have it happen again! So she was subtle with Keith, vague and unclear in what she really wanted and now the relationship was starting to suffer. But it didn’t have to.
Adele was lacking BOUNDARY SETTING SKILLS, guidelines that would keep Keith from knocking on her door every time she had a free night. Keith kept busting through a boundary Adele never set for him. While there was a boundary in the mind of Adele, there was no clear boundary set for Keith. He didn’t pick up on her subtle hints and for some reason she expected him to know it was not OK to just show up.
Adele and I immediately put together some strategies for talking to Keith about showing up on her doorstep every time she had a free night! She waited and picked the right time and place, when they went out to dinner the following week. She talked to him about how she really needed a free night every week just for herself. She went on to explain how she felt she was neglecting herself and she was going to try to be good to herself and make sure she had that time each week. She asked Keith for his support in her quest to take care of herself. She let him know how much she enjoyed being with him and that this had nothing to do with pulling away from him. But she was missing her time alone this past year and she knew just one night a week would do her a world of good.
At first Keith was hurt and gave a little resistance, but she knew it was to be expected. She reassured him and they moved on. The following week Adele had her free night and was elated. Over the next month she had 3 more and she could tell it was making a big difference in their relationship and her attitude towards Keith.
Maybe you are in a relationship with a “boundary buster,” someone who runs all over you whether intentional or not?
What is a boundary? Boundaries are invisible lines or fences we put up and are meant to keep us safe and from being trampled on. We set them based on our values and what we want and don’t want in a relationship. This is how we maintain our sense of individuality, our freedom, our integrity, our standards, and things that are most important and meaningful to us. Relationships without boundaries are relationships without guidelines…and that is dangerous! Boundaries protect and let the other person know when enough is enough! Without a boundary they would not know when to stop!
People who constantly trample on other people’s boundaries intensionally, tend to have a certain attitude in life… “I should be able to do what I want, when I want and how I want.” Since this is how a “boundary buster” operates in life, they are sure to challenge and protest any boundary you set for them! I have had all kinds of “boundary busters” around me in life and there is one thing I have learned. No matter what, stick to and enforce that boundary as hard as it may be! You will thank me later if you only remember this one simple rule…stick to your boundaries and be consistant!
Here are some “Quick Tips” to stop boundary busters from breaking your boundaries!
- Determine what boundaries need to be set in the relationship
- Clarify your boundaries…making sure they are very clear to the other person
- Enforce your boundaries…even when it’s hard to do
- Be consistent!
- Know their feathers will be ruffled and you will get some resistance… it’s ok!
- If you are new at boundary setting, start small and work your way up to the big ones
When you establish and enforce your boundaries, you will be amazed at the respect you will get from others. This will in turn will empower you and will give you the courage and confidence you need to set bigger boundaries in the future! Remember, BOUNDARIES are for YOUR own good and we all need them in life!
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