Sophie sat there quietly, taking a step back from her heated situation, letting her anger and emotions settle down, so she could take a closer look at what really was going on with her. Many times the issue you are trying to address and get a handle on, is not the issue in need of your attention, as Sophie had become aware of in our past few sessions together.
Sophie pulled out some of the tools she had learned, so she could personally get to the root of her problem, quickly! She sat on her bed and thought to herself, “what in the heck just happened?” “This is ridiculous, am I sitting here crying over chopping veggies or what, it can’t be the veggies, can it” she asked? “ I almost wanted to laugh at myself” she said “ because it seemed so out there…but so real to me.”. So Sophie asked herself some very important questions in order to find out what the real issue was. This is what she asked herself:
What was I Upset over?
“Was I upset over all the time I was spending on veggie washing and chopping? YES, I felt like I had so many other things to do….and I was wasting time. The funny thing is, I am always washing and slicing veggies for myself…I have always been on a eating healthy eating regimen. Why was it so much harder to wash and slice for two people? It really wasn’t that much harder, just a little more time involved. I do feel good in knowing he wants to eat healthy. I really am proud of him for wanting to do something about his weight too!”
“Was I upset over him yelling at me? YES, it was uncalled for and I am more upset about him yelling at me than of all the veggie chopping”.
“Did he really yell at me? I think so, I’m not really sure, but, I know his voice was louder and it hurt my feelings!”
“Did he say he was sorry? Yes, but he didn’t seem to appreciate all the hard work I put into the ice cold meal. Well maybe he did when I think about it. Yes, he did, but said it wasn’t necessary.”
Why did I cry?
“I don’t know, but I do know I don’t really like people yelling at me. I don’t know why It would hurt so much, I am usually very tough, but this week not so tough, I guess”.
What was I feeling when the tears started falling at the table?
“Well I know I was not overreacting or being dramatic, because I didn’t want the tears to fall, but, they were doing it uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop them as hard as I tried. I was feeling sadness, Isolated, fragile, alone. The sky was dark with thunder clouds, it was dreary and a dark, cold day. But, maybe I took it out on Clint and blamed the way I was feeling on him yelling at me.”.
WHAT WAS I REALLY FEELING? “I was feeling distraught and lonely I think. The biggest fan I had now (my hubby) was turning against me (so I thought) and he was the only fan I had left in my life. I wanted my mom in the worst way… she would always comfort me and would tell me “everything will be ok,” and usually it was ok! But ever since I lost her a year ago, there is this constant emptiness inside.”
SO, WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON?
“You see, the day before was Mother’s Day and my husband and kids did such a good job keeping me busy and distracted, the tears fell lightly and were few. By the end of the day, I was so proud of myself for not losing it! I lit a “Glassy Baby” candle for her the night before to start a tradition honoring her and as I walked by that glassy baby all day long, I could feel the water rising! The pressure, the tension, the sadness. Earlier that day I had read the card mom gave me on her last Mother’s Day with me saying, “You are my very best friend and I love you with all my heart!” The waters rose even higher and higher before I started chopping veggies. By the time dinner rolled around I unknowingly was ready for the dam to burst wide open, and it took something like the veggies to make it happen!”
“As soon as I realized what was going on…my husband walked in the room to check on me as if her were “on cue.” I said, “Its not you, its not the veggies, I miss my mom!” That’s all I had to say…and the night’s mishap was put behind us and I was able to get what I really needed, some comfort and TLC!”
HERE’S A QUICK TIP
The next time, the heat is on, the tempers rise and nothing makes sense:
- Take a step back from the situation and remove yourself physically
- Get quiet, and ask yourself this personal question: Why am I upset?
- Take a look at the facts…what really happened…how did it all go down or play out?
- Ask yourself what you were really feeling at the time. This gives you more clarity and understanding of what really happened.” Plus, it doesn’t allow the problem to fester and grow and spiral out of control.
- Dig deeper, uncover some layers and ask yourself “Is the issue I am upset over, really the issue at hand…or is it something else…something deeper and has been masked over?”
- You will be surprised what a difference a 5-10 minute, “quick escape” will do for you and for your relationships!
Next time things spiral out of control and nothing seems to make sense…get away…get quiet…and think about your situation…you will be amazed at what you will discover!
Have you ever experienced a time of high emotion and realized what you were upset about wasn’t what you thought you were upset about…but something totally different?
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